How to Know You’re Old

Okay, I’ll admit it, I no longer recognize most bold type names in gossip columns, which is why I was excited to come across the headline, “Taylor & Joe” as Renee Taylor and Joe Bologna are familiar to me. I remember them in Lovers and Other Strangers, Made For Each Other, Colucci’s Department, If you Ever Leave Me, I’m Going With You, and, of course, Renee as Sylvia Fine in The Nanny.

That Taylor and Joe are making news assured me I’m not as out of the loop as I’d been fearing. But what had they done to warrant this attention? I read on. “Oh, to be young, gorgeous, rich, talented, and famous and in love ... the rumor mill is abuzz as Joe Jonas (the middle Brother) and pop-country crooner Taylor Swift are rumored to be an item after several less-than-chance encounters between the two.”

This wasn’t going well for me. The story continued, “In July, she told the magazine the two were just friends.” You know you’re old if you’re asking which one is the she: Joe or Taylor?

Other clues:

Your tennis racket is in a press.

Movies for you are $7.50 tops.

The phrase “hooking up” suggests a dialysis machine or intravenous tube.

Mystery means, “Where did I leave my keys?”

It takes a moment before you remember that Paris and Britney are not places in France.

You think a Blackberry is a fruit.

Orthotics and statins figure into your conversations.

It doesn’t feel entirely natural to say “The Former Soviet Union” or “African-American.”

You still get flustered by “call waiting.”