Isolated and Lonely in the Land of Infertility

So here I am. No one to talk to, no one to share the highs and lows, except my poor spouse, who doesn’t want to face the hopelessness of it all. I suggested he get fertility testing, and he froze up. Refuses. Doesn’t want it to be his fault, when it’s so clearly easier for him to process if it’s mine. I guess I can understand that. I don’t want it to be my fault, either. And I live in a world where people question me all the time: Are you pregnant yet? Still trying to have kids? and I mostly smile and change the subject. No sense in yelling at people who mean well, but can’t say anything right. Because they always have stories of miracle babies, as well as horror stories to share. And I don’t want to ask what’s really on my mind.

What do you do if you cannot conceive, and you have no other alternatives? How do you live your life after that? Do you exist in some sort of twilight zone between the happy families and the people who refuse to have children? How do you adjust your brain, your way of thinking, when it turns out you will never have a child? I don’t know. No one has an answer for me. I feel very lonely, like I’m the only one going through this. It’s so taboo, no one wants to talk about it. I feel like I would be better off with the HIV+ support group sometimes. At least I can go for free.