The Three Kinds of Sex

Sex often draws us into a relationship and then helps keep it alive. But what is “good” sex?

If you look at the images that bombard us every day from magazines and movies, good sex is instantaneous, totally mutual, cataclysmic, and is best at the very beginning of a relationship.

In fact, surveys tell us that in real life, folks in long-term relationships who can talk openly about their sex life have more and better sex than new or more reticent couples. What really determines what kind of sex you are going to have isn’t the novel positions you find in the sex manual or the new tips in the latest magazine. It’s how safely attached you are to your partner. Emotional presence and trust are the biggest aphrodisiacs of all.

The new science of attachment tells us that there are really three kinds of sex.  
 
Sealed-Off Sex
This is all about reducing sexual tension, achieving the Big O, and feeling good about your sexual prowess. The name of the game is sensation, the more the better and performance, or the “God I am hot” quotient. The relationship with the other person is secondary. For a one-night stand this is maybe okay. In a long-term relationship this is bad news. Men seem to be more able to practice this kind of sex. They are wired to move quickly from arousal to orgasm. Women take longer to become aroused and needs more co-ordination happening with a partner to really enjoy sex.

Sealed off Sex works fine for one-night stands. It is one-dimensional so continual novelty is mandatory. This kind of sex can be mutually satisfying occasionally in long term relationships, but if it is the norm, the relationship is in trouble. This kind of impersonal sex has the effect of making a partner feel used and emotionally alone.

Regular physical contact actually tunes the brain into the need to feel emotionally close. When this is missing, partners are swamped with a sense of isolation and deprivation. “When we make love, I feel like I could be anyone,” Kerrie tells me. “It just reinforces for me the sense that I don’t really matter to him.” Bill, her partner, tells her, “Well, we haven’t been getting along, so I try to get close by coming onto you. But I guess I don’t feel sure enough, safe enough to slow down and really get into it. So I just go with the sensation. In the end, I don’t really enjoy it that much either.” Lack of emotional connection shuts off real eroticism.

When this sex is the norm in a relationship, it’s time to pay attention to the lack of safe emotional connection outside the bedroom.