Celibacy in the City

One woman’s journey to a man-free, sex-free life.

About a year ago I realized it was time to make a commitment. If you had a checklist for where I was in my life, it would look pretty good: late thirties, living in Manhattan, freelancer at a popular cable network, my own improv school, involved in deeply fulfilling work with a global organization committed to creating a better future, plenty of good friends, travel, health—all dimensions accounted for.

Well almost. I had everything but a man.

I was one of those “date a few times and then be inseparable for two years” people. When I moved to NYC in 2001, Sex and the City was at its peak. The show and its promise of the perfect city life for a young single woman was a factor in my move from L.A. I know it’s sad, but it shows how deep and powerful the desire is to find—and what fun it is to look for—that one guy.

Soon, I’d created a version of that life for myself; a group of girlfriends, summer nights at the trendiest bars, wearing the trendiest couture our budgets (and credit limits) would allow, all in the name of being happy at being single, knowing we’d be happier when we found our Mr. Right (or Mr. Big, whoever showed up first). And, like most of us, we had a lot less action with guys than the women on the show. Our show could have been called Drinks in the City or High Heels in the City because, frankly, either of those would be more accurate. But that was fine. Because there was almost an unspoken confidence that he was out there, somewhere.

Fast forward seven years, and I’m on the verge of taking the plunge. I will make a sacred vow—lay my stake in the ground and declare to the world:

“Yes, I am celibate!”

(Insert long pause like the one that comes after I tell my mother.)

That’s right, celibate. It’s a noun as well as an adjective. And it’s defined in a variety of ways, from “abstaining from sex” to “unmarried.” Our friends at Wikipedia tell us a vow of celibacy “is a promise not to enter into marriage or engage in sexual intercourse.” But there’s a lot more to that picture.